Coach Meg
Wellcoaches Corp.
(Click here to listen to previous sessions with Laura -
Session One and
Session Two.)
In my third session with Laura, she was beginning to see the potential for using coaching skills in her personal relationships. Especially with her son, Laura was looking for ways to improve communication and the overall sense of peace within her house.
Instead of blaming her son for her unhappiness and demanding that he meet her needs, Laura chose to express empathy for his needs. Expressing empathy can be the difference between creating conflict and working toward collaboration. Empathy is a key to getting your needs met and increasing your positive feelings.
Empathize with Yourself
Sometimes, before you can empathize with another, you have to give the same respect to yourself. So, first get clear about what you are experiencing. Pay attention to what you are feeling and name it. Look for words beyond the standard "happy," "mad," "sad," "angry." Instead, find the word(s) that really speaks to the heart of your emotion. Next, identify the needs of yours that are not being met. For example, Laura had a need for order and safety that was not being met when her house was in disarray. It left her feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. This awareness will help her be better prepared to express her concerns to her son and to make clear requests.
Empathize with Others
At the root of our own needs are the universal needs that all human beings share. The next step is to look for the feelings being expressed by the other person. What might they be feeling about the situation? Perhaps Laura's son is feeling aggravated and overwhelmed about the conflict with his mother. And if he is feeling that way, what needs of his are not being met? It will be interesting to hear more from Laura in the future; I wouldn't be surprised to discover that Laura and her son realize they have the same needs, but have different ideas for how to get them met.
It's Natural
Because it is human nature to nurture others, when we make the effort to discover the needs of others, we also activate our desire to help them get their needs met. Starting with empathy could really reshape how Laura and her son each see each other, helping them to find a way to collaborate.
Margaret Moore, also known as “Coach Meg,” is CEO and founder of Wellcoaches Corp. in Wellesley, MA