By Coach Meg
Wellcoaches Corp.
(Click here to listen to previous sessions with Laura -
Session One and
Session Two.)
Laura was feeling frustrated about her relationship with her son. Engaged in a debate over preferences for how their home should be (clean vs. unclean, dangerous vs. safe) and the "right" answer, neither of them were winning. Wanting to both honor and leverage her
character strengths, Laura was committed to find common ground rather than looking to "win".
In his book Playing Along, Izzy Gesell highlights learning activities borrowed from the wisdom of improvisational theatre. He notes that a skilled improver knows the difference between "acceptance" and "approval":
• Acceptance - "I'll deal with it because I have to." (Or, in this case, "I'll clean my room because you said so, but I won't like it!")
• Approval - "I'll support it because I want to." (Or, in this case, "We've created a solution that both you and I can live with.")
With her son, Laura hoped to find the latter; a compromise about how to co-exist in the space of the house which they both could feel good about.
In improvisational theatre, actors also play a game called "Yes, and..." In the game, the first player makes a statement and a second player agrees with the first by saying "Yes and... " then making her own statement. Through this game, participants learn that when they substitute "Yes, and..." for "Yes, but..." conversations can be transformed. When in conflict, someone usually has to be "right" and another has to be "wrong" - but a "Yes, and..." conversation allows different, and even opposing, opinions to co-exist. Peacemaker and communications expert Marshall Rosenberg puts it this way, "Empathize rather than putting your "but" in the face of an angry person." That seems to be excellent advice!
In other words, when we treat others as allies, even in times of disagreement, we are better able to collaborate toward a mutually satisfying outcome. Laura was beginning to see the value of this as she looked at the situation with her son.
Laura was demonstrating empathy by not only wanting to express her needs but to learn more about the needs of her son to move toward a common goal. Next week, we'll talk more about the value of empathy...
Margaret Moore, also known as “Coach Meg,” is CEO and founder of Wellcoaches Corp. in Wellesley, MA